Maybe we're all a little self destructive.

Maybe, just maybe.

Does it ever occur to anyone that they have unrealistic expectations of themselves. Just days where you wake up and feel too tired of life to keep going on, pushing forward into an inescapable pit of failure? Perhaps I do, maybe I feel like I need to be the best, doing as much as possible so that I can make everyone happy... That's all I really want.

4 years is not enough for college.  Though, I'll probably say differently when I'm ready to graduate. I want to be able to enjoy the downtime, while getting all the degrees I want.

Pharmaceutical Sciences... Materials Science... Chemical Engineering with concentrations in Nanotechnology and Biomolecular... and a minor in Biotechnology... and the University Honors Program.

Maybe it's a lot. Maybe I don't have to do all of these things. But I feel like I need to.

Maybe I'm a little self destructive. I want to take on everything, I want to be the best I can be... I want to make people happy. But even if I could do all of this, I feel like I still wouldn't feel like I had done anything at all. I wouldn't feel fulfilled, because I love to put myself through hell.

As silly as it sounds, I love being up at all hours. It's a badge of honor for me to know that if I need to I can stay up for four days straight on only 40 minutes of sleep. I love the feel of caffeine rushing through my body, making me feel like more of a human being, more alive. The burn of the carbonation as I chug it and the gentle gnaw of my stomach when I haven't eaten. I like feeling like I'm doing something, like I am legitimately achieving something... like I am worth something.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one. I doubt that I am, when I watch my friends keep themselves up to study for tests relentlessly, getting blissfully drunk, or working themselves to exhaustion so that they don't have to think. 

I'm not going to lie. I've been self destructive, I've cut, and I've starved, and I've thrived on punishing myself for imperfections. And on some level, I suppose that those habits never really go away. You'll always find new ways to torture yourself if you want to. In ways less obvious than bleeding all over the place.

I look at this morning, and feel the buzz of caffeine in my body, contrasting the lethargic silence of a Sunday and I feel no regret. I look at my life and what I put myself through, while I feel like shit doing it all, and I realize everyone has their own self destruction. The habits of old never really go away.

 ...and I don't think I want them to.

I'm not sorry.
...Read more...

Pottermore Day 4 Magical Quill Answer

Because I remembered to check in on it before it closed today.

Here's the question: How many students take part in the Triwizard Tournament during Harry's fourth year?
Multiply this number by 28.

And here's the answer: 4*28=112
Ergo: http://quill.pottermore.com/112

I must confess though, that these clues are not as difficult as I had hoped. I didn't even need to crack the book for that one.


Good luck! ...Read more...

The Rollercoaster of Emotions that comes with Page Views

I should not be allowed to see how many page views I have, mostly because I get excited at every single view I get, though logically I know that the people who come here may or may not be reading the things that live here.  I got excited this morning because I saw that I got to 39 views, but really, I only got that high because I put in a Technorati blog claim and it was the claimer. And that was quite sad really, because I'd like to believe that I actually do stuff on here that people like to read. Well enough of that whining.

In other news I have been reading a lot of books lately, perhaps in a last ditch attempt to claim back my brain before I have to go back to school at large. I would like to comment on two things. Lately I have found that Young Adult novels have better plots that Adult Fiction, and also, everyone should read something of Scott Westerfeld-- because he's brilliant. To me at least. Thirdly-- Malice by Chris Woodling is a pretty cool book.

I'm currently reading Unicorns vs. Zombies, which turns out to be not as bad as I feared. So pretty good all in all.

Perhaps I'll write more later.
じゃ！ ...Read more...

Technorati Confirmation Code

3GWHUHN9C9RZ

I wonder if this works... I also hope that we can change the tags, because I want to have more tags than "Humanities Bullshit." Damn you overactive enter key finger!  ...Read more...

Day 2 of the Magical Quill Pottermore Early Beta

The question:

What is the number of the chapter in which Professor McGonagall cancels the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff?
Multiply this number by 42.

The answer: 14*42=588

The link: http://quill.pottermore.com/588

Good luck! ...Read more...